Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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