I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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