My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i came on her dog
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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