if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
