Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
