Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
