I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
