I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
