you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize