my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
