The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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