Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
