Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
