When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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