bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
