listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
