I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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