I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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