Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Boobs are out for the taking
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.