cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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