I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
