you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
