Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
