I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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