do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
