im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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