she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
