Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
