So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
