OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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