Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
