i permit you to call me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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