i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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