Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
