I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
