I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
