What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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