My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
