M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
