He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Vodka?
Forever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
