Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
