How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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