My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
