I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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