I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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