This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I would ride that face into the sunset
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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