i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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