while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
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I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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