So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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