i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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