Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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