JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
