It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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