Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
