I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
