i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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