I met the friendliest cop last night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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